It's been a while since I've been on here so I thought I would give an update about some things that I've been going through. And thought I would add this random photo to catch your eye! :)
Back in February I had hurt my upper back and neck. I have had a lot of back pain in my past from a few car accidents but nothing was this bad. It went on for weeks and I couldn't move my head or lift anything or even sleep. It was pretty awful. The worst part was that I didn't even know what happened. I just woke up one morning and my neck was sore. Well, every day that week my neck and upper back got worse until it hit its climax exactly one week later. To help combat it, I went to my chiropractor a lot, and took a ton of fish oils to bring down the inflammation. I mean I was taking 6,000+mg of fish oils a day, pretty crazy but that finally helped to take down the swelling. Well, several weeks later I was finally doing better and getting back to work. During that time I had also started to do yoga, following videos I found on you tube which really helped with the healing process. All in all I am finally back to normal which is actually pretty amazing considering the pain I was in. God definitely helped with my healing!
During the healing process of my back pain and since then, I have really been praying about my art. Praying about where I want to go with it, do i want to teach, have classes, do videos, pet portraits etc. Last year I feel like I was just trying everything to see what I liked best, which was helpful to a point. But then my focus turned from what can I do, to how can I make money out of this. At the time I was hardly working last year between changing jobs and family issues coming to light causing more stress, anxiety and depression. I felt like if I couldn't make a living off my art then I would be failure. Even though in my mind I knew better and that these things take time. My husband kept telling me to not worry and just paint to enjoy painting. But I couldn't get it out of my head that I needed to make money. So when nothing was selling, I was just getting more depressed. My excitement and passion turned into worry and frustration. Some where in my mind I also thought that God would provide and help me sell my artwork. Well, God is faithful and will never leave me but he also said that we will have trouble in this world.
I took a step back from my painting and everything about it and focused on my Brand Ambassador job, and taking care of my health, which also means spending time with God. I had realized that my heart wasn't in the right place. By focusing on just making money, I was losing my passion and true focus. As I'm typing this, I'm finding it really hard to explain how I feel. I want my heart to be part of my artwork again. The emotional, passionate part that brings life to all art. To give it to God and allow him to work through me, through my art. Things worth fighting for take time, patience and hard work but most of all, keeping God in the center. I guess it all boiled down to not trusting God to provide. I was so worried about finances and how to pay for things which caused more anxiety that can easily grow into depression.
In this time of healing and self examination, I have focused on finding peace and calmness, learning to breathe deeply through the anxiety and have a more grateful attitude on what I do have. My goal through this is to find a more stable foundation for my creativity to grow from. Sometimes taking a step back is necessary to see the bigger picture. I do believe that as my faith grows, so will my art.